Ignoring what is obvious incurs a huge cost.
It requires you to go about your day numbing yourself to the reality of who you are and what you want—which is a waste of time for you and everyone around you.
By contrast, admitting what is obvious is freeing and motivating. But it’s terrifying to do it. Sometimes the most obvious truths about ourselves are hard to see because the consequences of those truths seem so dire.
This happened to me recently. I admitted a truth that was probably obvious to everyone around me, but not to myself: I’m a writer. This sounds so obvious that it feels like it is a joke. I write a weekly column at a newsletter that I started—of course I’m a writer.
But this is one of those truths for me. And I’m glad I can admit it.
If there are obvious truths like this for you, you should find them, and admit them, too.
Why you can’t admit the obvious
The poet Robert Bly wrote that we all lug an invisible bag around with us everywhere we go. We’ve been filling it since childhood with the parts of ourselves that are true to us—to how we feel and what we want—but that aren’t acceptable to the people around us.
It starts with our parents: “don’t make noise during dinner,” or “in this family, we play baseball.” It continues with our teachers: “you’d be good at math if you only applied yourself.” Finally, it starts to come from peers in high school: “that’s nerdy,” or “you’ll never have a career doing that.”
Each of these interactions causes us to put parts of ourselves in the bag. And the things we put in the bag are the obvious truths that we can’t admit, and that we try to ignore.
Being a writer is one of the things I tried to put in my invisible bag. For a long time, admitting that I am a writer and that I want to be a writer felt like it would force me to shed my identity as a founder, eliminate the possibility of building a consequential company, and seriously cap my potential career earnings.
So, I pretended to be a founder who also liked to write.
The first clue that I wanted to be a writer was that, after I sold my last business—a B2B software business—instead of going back into software, I started Every.
Every is a startup, so it lets me call myself founder. But on the inside, it also secretly lets me do the thing that I really wanted to do but couldn’t admit to myself or anyone else: be a writer.
While I deeply enjoy almost every part of running a startup—coding, sales, marketing, managing, fundraising, etc.—writing is the thing that I’ve always loved the most.
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Beautiful! So proud of you! 💖
@deniseshipper thanks mom!!! ❤️❤️
I am a software engineer and uber love being just that! Took almost 5 years to accept that. Also took me down the taxing path of being a Manager and the scenic route of being a Product Manager, both of which I did reasonably well. But the joy of seeing the code come to life is simply unmatched by anything else!
@avishek_703 very glad you decided to go down the software engineer path with us ❤️
Man, this is well-written and very inspiring. It's exactly what many people, including myself, need. Thank you for sharing. As a founder, I place so many unnecessary labels on myself. Letting go of each one feels like I might not meet someone's expectations. Strangely, these expectations only exist in my mind, holding me back from being true to myself.
Even the label "founder" seems to dictate how I should behave. It's a freeing thought to let go of this baggage and labels and just do what feels right without overthinking how an activity might be labeled.
@george_7539 thank you for reading! glad it was inspring to you :)
appreciate you sharing your story. labels are interesting...i think sometimes they can be super helpful, but sometimes they function as boxes that keep us hemmed in. glad you're exploring letting go and seeing what happens!
This is a great post- I needed this call out today:) Would love to some female founders included in the examples- I know they're pretty specific, but surely there's one out there
@annakrachey thanks i really appreciate it! good callout, i had that same feeling when writing it and i should have included. i think gwyneth paltrow is an interesting one!
Great reading Dan! Good timing as well, when you see yourself about to make a big decision in what’s going to be the next adventure
@plautsergioh thank you!! really glad you liked it
philosophy … from philos and logos … the love of wisdom. you are a philosopher
Dan - we are twins. Two failed books by the agr of 21. On the second one the literary agent said “look, you’re 21, you wrote two whole books, you’re obviously a capable chap so go and find something you’re good at.”
I come from an entrepreneurial family and figured businesses are mostly story telling anyway so off I went.
28 years later I’ve founded many, invested in many, had a few good wins, but there is still an itch I haven’t scratched. My Bly bag is heaving with unwritten films and plays and novels.
Of course I’m too busy to do anything about it, I always make sure of that, but maybe soon a little window of time will present itself and I will gaze out of it wandering what’s next and recall this article and leap through.
Thanks for writing it.
@sgray thanks so much for writing this. i really hope you start unpacking your proverbial "Bly" bag soon :) maybe if you write something we can publish it on Every. best of luck!
Dan, I have not found a business newsletter that is as well-written, or that I enjoy more. I enjoy taking the time to read nearly every post that arrives in my inbox. This one, like so many others, met me precisely at the right time as I look toward 2024: What is it I love doing in business versus what am I tempted to build because I know it would be good for others, if not most desired by me? Thanks for sharing, well done to you, and congrats on this season of your work life and business.
@kensi.duszynski this means so much to me, thank you so much! we put a ton of time into the things we put out, and it's so great to know it's having an impact. i hope you find something you truly want to build—instead of something you want to want to build. good luck!
This resonates with me, too.
I'd love a practical example: how did you weave your thread across the gap?
@albertocabasvidani i think for me, starting a company that let me write was a really good first step. and, of course, before even that step i started a newsletter as i searched for what i wanted my next company to be.
so i'd say: what's the smallest possible step in the direction you want to go, that doesn't feel too threatening to your current identity?
This is exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thanks so much, Dan, and keep writing!
Very clean. Gets the message across brilliantly. However, isn't it easier said then done. You made and sold a company and hence would have not had to worry about many other things(my assumption, I could be mis founded) , hence you could get your inner self to hear to your clarion call, fearlessly. But for many, you know exactly what I am alluding to.
@amitgupta147 this is a good point! i did indeed have a lot more opportunity to figure out what I wanted to do because of my previous company.
i will say, though, that the mental barriers were still quite significant. it took me many years to get over that fear and get out of my own way. but you're totally right that there are many people for whom real-world structural problems get in the way of following their passions. appreciate you sharing!
Wow! Clearly cuts right to the heart of the matter.
I wear a lot of hats (literally) in my roles in life and a long with all that those roles demand still fancy myself as retaining certain identities that distract me from my main job.
This article was a clarion call to self identify a solitary role, embrace it fully and use it to contextualize all the other areas of life that call my attention.
@rabbi glad you liked it! i think sometimes it's nice to simplify things by identifying and embracing a single role, and sometimes it's nice to allow yourself to enhabit many of them. it's a season of life thing—i'm enjoying being a writer right now. i'm hope it works for you too :)
Wonderful post, Dan!
This is all lovely, in its way... but it seems to assume that most people's big problem is daring to leave their high-status lives and careers — presumably attained as white males with middle-class+ upbringings and education. I chose the mostly "low-status meandering path" decades ago, despite having many privileges and advantages (white woman with a high-status education, middle class upbringing, etc.).
It's wonderful that you get to write professionally and be a money guy playing with startups, but sheeesh, it would go a long way if you would acknowledge the enormous privilege you bring to that position. Most of us will never have the resources, connections, influence, or knowledge to be a Sam Harris or Gwyneth Paltrow.
Several of my clients in creativity/writing/performance and in my Tarot and astrology practice are high-status professionals seeking to delve into creativity and a stronger relationship to nature and creativity. Working with them is a delight, and I deeply respect their search for meaning, their desire to be more of what they truly are.
Most, however, are to middle- and low-status meanderers like myself. They are artists, activists, Zen priests. They are writers, poets, travelers, caregivers to elderly parents, community members who cook vats of soup after the hurricane and make sure the neighborhood gets fed. Many are moms.
Many of them struggle to get by, balancing some kind of gig work or day job with their own creative and community outputs, and with the needs of their immediate and extended families. Some, like me, wrestle with partial or full disabilities, some of us with no government assistance for that.
The luxury of declaring yourself a writer is lovely. I did it in my teens and have been a professional, mostly freelance writer ever since. Congratulations on making that decision. However, I encourage you to recognize that there is an element of luxury, of privilege, at play. If you want to inspire others, consider becoming acquainted with the range of conditions others face, and acknowledge your own privilege when you write for a wide, public audience. To do less is... I don't know. Presumptuous? Out of touch? Gatsbyesque? It doesn't feel right.
Thanks for writing this Dan.
I started a site about helping nerds get fit back in 2009, and grew it by doing the only thing I knew how to do: write. After a few years it accidentally became a big team, we had app developers and growth and I was managing (poorly) a big team. After a 6-year detour of NOT doing the obvious thing, I finally fired myself to give me the space to get back to doing the damn thing that brings me to life, and got me here in the first place: write! Cheers man.
found this post a few months after it first appeared. Thanks for it. But now, the obvious question: how do you find it. The thing you are, by nature, gifted to be.
This is very well written; the initial build-up is great! The title and subtitle together compels the audience to click and last but not least, the idea is very well delivered.